I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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