You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
