Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
