new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
