Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
