i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
