OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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