ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
