I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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