Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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