Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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