I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
