While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
