You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
