you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
birth control should be required to get into college
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
