just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dicks are not precious.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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