Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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