Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
