He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
