I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
