No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
