I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
