FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
im six kinds of drunk right now
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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