he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dicks are not precious.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
