I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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