So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
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she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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