I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you.
Bad choice
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
