I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize