The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
