I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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