I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
