I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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