i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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