i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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