I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
