I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
