she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
