glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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