I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
