Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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