nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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