dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
