I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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