I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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