Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
