Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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