I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My pussy is not your playground.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
