hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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