Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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