i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
