How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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