i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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