I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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