GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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