Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
